By Vuyo Khumalo
What does money mean to you?
Have you ever pondered over that question?
I often ask my clients this question and, for me, the responses never get old. No matter how often I ask it, and no matter who I’m talking to, the answers tend to echo the same themes: peace of mind, security, freedom, happiness, power, safety.
Interestingly, what never gets old for me is not the repetition, but rather what those answers reveal. They are not really about money at all. They are descriptions of emotional states of being. States that, if we are being completely honest, cannot be fully satisfied by money alone. You can have millions in the bank and still worry about losing it all. You can earn more than you ever imagined and still feel trapped. On the other hand you can have someone with very little money in the bank, and they don’t seem to worry about it at all.
And yet, no one ever says: “Money is a tool I use for transacting” or “money is a tool I use to buy goods and services” which is, in its simplest form, the true function of money. Money is a medium of exchange. That is its role. But clearly, to us, it is much more than that.
Which leads us to two fundamental truths.
Firstly, money is an emotional subject. The meaning we attach to it is often tied to our emotional needs. That is why our experience of money is rarely neutral, it is charged, personal, and highly emotional. For many of us, money becomes a container into which we pour our hopes, fears, dreams and insecurities.
Secondly, the value of money is subjective. It depends entirely on who is holding it. Two people can be holding the same E200 note, yet it can represent completely different things to them. For one, it may mean relief, enough to get through the day. For another, it may feel insignificant. Money, on its own, is just paper. The meaning it carries is the meaning we give it. And the good news in that is this: if we are the ones assigning meaning, then we also have the power to change it.
This idea, that money is emotional, not just philosophical; it is supported by research. Studies in behavioral finance suggest that as much as 90% of our financial decisions are driven by emotion, while only about 10% are driven by logic.
This helps explain a frustrating reality many of us face: we often know what we should be doing with our money, yet we do not do it. We know we should save, but we spend. We know we should budget, but we avoid it. We know we should invest, but we delay.
The gap is not knowledge. It is behavior. And behavior is emotional.
In everyday life, this shows up in ways we may not always recognize. Sometimes we spend money to soothe ourselves after a long or stressful day. Sometimes we avoid checking our bank accounts because we are afraid of what we might see. Sometimes we hold onto money tightly, even when we are stable, because deep down we fear losing it. Sometimes we spend to impress, to belong, or to feel like we are “worthy” and give our ego a boost.
These are all emotional responses.
Unfortunately, when it comes to financial education, the focus is often on the practical: spreadsheets, budgeting tools, saving strategies, investment products. While these are important, they overlook something critical, the person behind the money.
To borrow from the words of Morgan Housel, author of The Psychology of Money: we tend to approach financial education like it is a hard science, when in reality, it is a soft skill. Your behavior matters more than what you know.
So perhaps our approach to managing our finances should begin with understanding our financial psychology and how we relate to money first. In that case the question we would ask ourselves is not just “How can I better manage my money?” but rather, “What is driving how I currently use my money?”
The answer to that question often lies in our past.
Our relationship with money is deeply rooted in our childhood experiences. How we experienced money growing up. Whether there was abundance or scarcity, open communication about money or silence, stability or stress and conflict. Those experiences shape how we engage with money as adults.
For example, someone who grew up in a household where money was scarce may develop a deep sense of fear around not having enough, leading them to either hoard money or feel constant anxiety, regardless of their current financial situation. Someone who grew up in an environment where money was never discussed may feel unequipped and avoid dealing with it altogether. Someone who saw money used as a symbol of status may feel pressure to spend in order to prove their worth.
Over time, these experiences form what we might call our “money stories”, the beliefs and narratives we carry about money.
“I am not good with money.”
“Money is hard to come by.”
“Rich people are greedy.”
“I have to struggle to get ahead.”
“Money keeps me safe.”
“Money earns you respect”.
These stories often operate quietly in the background, shaping our decisions without us even realizing it. I can usually get an idea of a person’s potential money story based on their response to the question “what does money mean to you?”. Which is why I love to ask this question. It reveals something about how the person I am talking to relates to money.
Here’s the point: If you want to change how you do money, you have to start with yourself.
Not with a new budget.
Not with a new financial strategy.
But with self awareness.
You begin by observing your current behavior, how you use money, how you feel when you spend or save, the patterns you fall into. What story do your habits tell about your relationship with money?
If you are interested in becoming more financially self aware, I would like to invite you into a simple experiment.
For the next 30 days, write down every transaction you make. Whether you are paying a bill or buying chewing gum, note it down in a journal or in the notes app on your phone.
Alongside each transaction, note any feelings that arise. Anxiety. Guilt. Fear. Relief. Happiness. Indifference.
And then, if you can, capture the thought connected to that feeling.
For example:
Feeling: Guilt
Thought: “I should not be spending this right now.”
Or:
Feeling: Anxiety
Thought: “What if I run out of money?”
The goal is not to judge or shame yourself. You are simply observing. Because you cannot change what you are not aware of.
As the days go by, you may begin to notice patterns. You may realize that you spend more when you are stressed or tired. You may notice that certain types of purchases bring temporary relief but lingering regret. You may discover that you feel anxious about money even when there is no immediate threat. You may realize that you are impulsive in your spending or that you are influenced or pressured by people around you.
And you may also begin to gain insight into your money story.
This process can feel uncomfortable at times. Looking closely at our habits often brings up emotions we would rather avoid, like guilt, embarrassment, even fear. But that discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a sign that you are paying attention. And awareness is where change begins.
When I did this exercise myself, I started to notice a pattern I hadn’t recognized before. Almost every transaction carried a sense of anxiety. A quiet persistent fear. “What if I run out?” I would feel particularly anxious towards month end about running out of money or not having enough. I got curious about where this anxiety was coming from and why it was so intense even when there was no immediate threat.
And as I reflected, I came to realize that at some point in my childhood money had come to represent stability and reassurance. It had taken the role of “safety.” And while that may have made sense at the time (when I was still a child), I realized I was still operating from my childhood insecurities even though I was fully grown and my circumstances had changed. And through that awareness my relationship with money shifted. I no longer derive safety from my bank balance. But of course, that change did not happen overnight. But it did start with awareness.
Perhaps the change you are seeking in your finances does not require you to get better with money. But needs you to start by getting to know yourself better. Perhaps the financial gap you are experiencing does not require more knowledge but rather self-mastery.